Dear Yelper – The Wedding
We have, in the past, attempted to openly reply to Yelp! reviews on their site from a company managed account. While we felt we should have the opportunity to openly reply to the remarks being made about our establishments, Yelp! disagreed and removed our responses. So we’ve taken the conversation to our own venue. We feel this is the most fair way to truly dialogue about the experiences we attempt to provide.
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Dear April,
I’m beginning to realize there are two kinds of Yelp Elite members. Group A consists of the folks that love to share their ideas and criticisms about a variety of businesses. They do so in an honest, organized fashion, with the simple motive of sharing their experiences with others. Group B consists of the folks that love the sound of their own voice. These folks can’t help but draw ironic, in-comprehensive metaphors. They compose sentences that lack contextual merit, and above all else, attempt desperately to display their uncanny wit and intelligence. Reading Group B reviews is like listening to a failing amateur comedian retell a great joke. You crack a small smile, but really you just feel sorry for the poor sap. Wait, damn, I think that was a witty metaphor! You’ve sucked me in to your trap!
Oh well, let’s venture through your review from the beginning. You talk about a lot of hype. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing, but I do know it’s out of our hands. All we do is serve beer, cocktails and food that we think is simple, and hopefully, good. Speaking of the food, you say that we have “biscuits that taste like the ones from Red Lobster”? Seriously, when is the last time you ate there? I guarantee our biscuits taste absolutely nothing like that place. Their stuff has got to be better, I mean, it’s Red Lobster for God’s sake! Is there any restaurant in the entire world that makes anything better than Red Lobster? I think not. (In case you can’t tell, I’m being facetious.) Next, you mention that bacon is trendy. I actually don’t know what that means. Bacon, one of this country’s most beloved and commonly used foods for the greater part of its existence, is trendy? Perhaps you don’t fully comprehend the meaning of the term… Allow me to clear it up for you. Trendy is defined as follows: “Of or in accord with the latest fad or fashion.” When you read that, can you honestly say that bacon is trendy? That’s like saying money, or sleeping, or oxygen is trendy. After this point in your review, you kind of go off the deep end. This is where I knew I was reading an Elite Group B review.
Apparently you couldn’t find any metaphors that came even close to being relevant, so instead you compared us to… wait for it… a wedding. Honestly, maybe I’m a trendy, hipster dufus, but the wedding you described actually sounds kind of cool to me. So, in comparing our restaurant to a wedding, I’m going to try to establish some sort of connection, let me know if this is correct: Were you trying to illustrate that we have taken some traditional elements of a restaurant (or wedding?), and then tweaked things slightly to display our personality while respecting the classic elements of the profession? I guess if thats what your saying, then yep, you nailed it. You say we’ve used ideas that are already taken. Like what? Food, books, drinks and music? Well, actually yes, yes, yes and yes. We copied those elements. We are thieves. Please don’t tell anyone else. The best part is when you complain about “every single ubercool person in San Diego between the ages of 25 and 40” being here. Man, that does sound like a crappy time. I hate people who are cultured, intelligent, creative social and… God forbid, cool. Especially if they happen to be between 25 and 40. I’ll keep my eyes open for those folks, and make sure to ask them to leave so that other, more worthy patrons can get in. Thank you for bringing these urgent matters to our attention. And best of luck securing that 5th year of Elite status, you deserve it.
Best regards,
Craft A. Commerce